The Secret of Male Baldness
Male pattern baldness is a physiological condition that affects a significant portion of the male population. Over the years there have been numerous theories about the causes, yet a convincing explanation has so far eluded scientists.
In an exciting new development, researchers at The Mill (YSA's research laboratories) have finally solved one of life's great mysteries: the causes of male baldness. This could provide a secure financial basis for YSA for many years to come - we are now preparing to monopolise this multibillion-dollar industry.1
Expansionism & Electrolysis
Our initial theories proposed that baldness is caused by the brain pushing the hairs out. There are three main mechanisms for this effect, which we will address in turn. The first and most obvious of these explanations involves the physical space requirements of the skull. A male with a large brain has insufficient space in his head for both hair follicles and brain. The buildup of pressure within the cranium is sufficient to push the hair out, thus making room for the expanding brain.
The second most important cause of baldness is the generation of heat which subsequently fries the hair follicles. A large, active male brain tends to generate a lot of heat (this is also one reason why males produce so much hot air). Our research indicates that this heat is able to kill the hair follicle. Moreover, we believe that this effect is closely linked to the third mechanism: electric shocks from the neurones within the brain destroying the hair follicles. In some ways this is like the electrolysis that some women use in an effort to achieve permanent hair removal.
As further validation of these hypotheses, we can now explain two of the most commonly observed attributes of the bald male: the high forehead and the comb-over. It is well known that males tend to become bald from the front with a "receding hairline" (optimistically called a "high forehead"). It is also well known that the area of the brain responsible for higher order processes (such as emotions and cognitive thinking) is the frontal lobe. This overworked area of the brain expands to cope with the high workload, and hence generates a substantial amount of heat. Enhanced brain activity also leads to increased activation of neurones, and a corresponding increase in electrical activity. In combination, this leads to the observable experimental outcome, baldness. Interestingly, this also offers an unique potential cure for baldness - the frontal lobotomy.
The comb-over may also be explained with reference to these mechanisms. Balding males tend to try to cover bald spots using their remaining hair (i.e. a comb-over) in an often-futile attempt to try to hide the fact that they are balding. The reason for this is that baldness (which is linked to brain activity as established earlier) indicates smartness, and smartness is sometimes ridiculed in our society. The comb-over is thus a mechanism for preventing ridicule by less tolerant members of our community.
Genetics
Baldness is also the next step in the evolution of man from the ape. Some people contradict the scientific establishment by maintaining that the male of the species is still much closer to the ape than the current experimental evidence suggests. Nevertheless, the continuing loss of hair from the male body is perhaps further evidence of human evolution as a continuing process. As humans continue to evolve, they will become completely bald; the bald man is actually a higher order being. Naturally, the overpopulation of bald males in the scientific profession has no bearing on these conclusions.
There is an additional evolutionary effect in terms of the attractiveness to the female of the species. It has been claimed that many women like the look of bald men because they look like babies - the maternal instincts are strong. Attractiveness is a well-known selective trait in evolutionary biology.
Stress
We have also discovered that baldness was caused through fear for some males. In fact, this fear is closely coupled to the stress involved in science schools. For some subjects, the stress was caused by the organisation of the event, but in others it was due to speculation about the fate of the Casanova at the mouse guillotine (see Tam's TSSE training notes, or come along to our next training weekend to observe this effect first-hand).
Conclusion
It should be noted by the reader that pushing back the frontiers of knowledge is a stressful business itself. The effects of this pressure are starting to be noticed on some of our hard-working researchers at The Mill. While this research does offer some clues to potential treatments, it is not known whether our researchers will opt for the frontal lobotomy.
- This important piece of scientific research is yet another work of genius (indeed a masterstroke) from The Mill. With continued advances like this, world domination by YSA is rapidly approaching.
The Researchers at The Mill are interested in hearing about your unpublished research or new and interesting theories. If you have something in which you think our team would be interested, send it to us by email or snail mail to your YSA Chapter. Prizes will be awarded to good contributions as judged by the senior researchers.
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themill@ysa.org.au.
Copyright © 2000 YSA Sydney Inc. for The Young Scientists of Australia
Last Modified: Monday, 08-Sep-2003 10:24:09 EST
